IDENTITY TRANSFORMATION
PART 2
Continued –
I woke up that morning and decided to do a much needed grocery shopping. I hopped into the car and drove to our shopping centre. I entered the supermarket and when I got to about the 3rd aisle, an unusual feeling began to slowly intensify within my body. It’s hard to explain a feeling that is not recognisable. It’s much easier to explain a toothache or headache because they are things most of us are familiar with. This was so different and frightening! I felt this weird urge, I automatically placed the shopping basket on the floor, left it there and headed straight for the nearest bathroom. My heart rate was beginning to increase with every step I took. I made it just in time! No stomach pain, no warning. I didn’t feel well at all. I was so shaken by that experience I couldn’t finish my shopping. With my heart still pounding, and a somewhat irregular breath I went straight home. From that moment on, I could not go out anywhere unless the children or my partner came with me. I also became obsessed that there had to be a toilet very close by from the fear of not making it in time. I was in a prison my mind had created. I could not leave the home unless I was accompanied by someone. Why was this happening? More to the point how was this happening?
“This new identity had total control, the I who I thought I was, no longer the driver of my vehicle.”
I reached out to a friend who is a psychiatrist who prescribed a couple of pills for me to take. I didn’t want to go down that path, but I felt such a burden to others because of this new disability and was desperate to get back to my life as I’d always known it. I tried the recommended pills for 2 days. My partner took drove to the countryside for the weekend away from the hustle and the bustle of city life. The first day I was basically slipping in and out of deep sleep continually. My waking moments were much less than my sleeping moments. The second day, I was advised by my friend to lower the dose to half. I lowered the dose to half and that day I felt as if there were worms crawling through my brain. My instincts told me one thing and that was “I would never be the same again if I continued to take this medication.” I am not against medicinal medicines as there are many medicines that have saved lives. I was more concerned about fixing this issue permanently then masking it. I decided to go without and find another way and my partner wholeheartedly supported this decision. The only thing I agreed on medically was a small bottle of pills that would lower my heart rate if I felt a panic attack coming on. A drug that was in the category of valium etc. In my mind, that little bottle of pills was my only security blanket I had. I didn’t take them every day. I would take half of a very small dose before we went to a big event.
The psychologist was my next stop. I needed a better understanding of what was happening and more so why this happened. A few appointments with him started to paint a pretty good picture for me. Because I had experienced my own death, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD). He explained, “your brain does not know what is real and what is not real. Because you believed you were dying, your body thought it was.” He further stated that it was no different to being in a car accident and waking up with tubes inserted and attached to my body. I knew our brains are incredible instruments and that we only use a small percentage of it, but perhaps we don’t spend time truly studying what the brain is capable of. The first thing that came to me was how our beliefs play such a big part in our lives. It forms our opinions and our judgements. If you think about it, we are continually analysing everything in our path. Our beliefs must play a big part in our analysis to form our opinions, but could our opinions come from a misinformed belief?
“Your thoughts are real! so what kind of thoughts do you have?”
My identity by now had become such an insignificant part of my life. However, my ego was crushed! It wanted to have its independence back, it wanted to be in charge again. To be able to control everything like it used to. One morning I woke up and clearly remembered the dream I had woken from. I saw two men dressed in white making strange hissing sounds and the writing was in an eastern language, but it had the word energy written in English. In this dream I was also shown an emblem with the colours of yellow and orange. I told my partner about the dream that morning as we were walking the dog. The dream was so vivid. Later in the morning my daughter and I decided to go to the Fremantle markets. First stop was always the toilet, even if I didn’t have to go, it felt safer. It had become part of my protocol if venturing out.
After the markets we arrived back at the car and still had some time left on the parking meter. I asked my daughter if we could venture perhaps a little further this time. She agreed and into town we headed. We’d walked approximately two blocks and I felt the need to go to the bathroom. My heart rate picked up at the thought of not getting to the bathroom in time. We headed straight to the town hall at a very brisk pace. I had to make it! The thought of not making it was terrifying and only made my heart pound louder. We passed some vendor stalls on our way and as I raced past one of the stalls, I noticed the writing and the word energy just like I saw in my dream. I was so relieved that I’d made it to the bathroom once again! But now my mind was more on what I’d seen on the way. I told my daughter about the dream and that I had to go back to that stall. I knew I had too! A man was lying face down on a massage bed another man was standing beside him with his back to me wearing a white doctors coat. Then came the hissing sound I’d heard in my dreams. When the session had ended the man in the white coat turned around and there was the emblem on his coat. I was meant to be right there in that moment, my dream had become a reality in a space of only several hours………to be continued
PART 3
There I was in the middle of Fremantle and standing at a stall with identical signs and sounds that I’d witnessed in my dreams the previous night. It was a group that were known as South Korean Ancestral Energy Healing. Because it was such a definite sign, I attended their premises on a daily basis for approximately 8 -9 months. I felt confident to drive there on my own. It was the same way to and from and I felt more certain as time went by. It was confronting to start with, chanting in an unknown language, meditation and a specific body hold that changed weekly for a certain amount of time. Thinking back, it began to make me feel grounded. The session would always end with one of the masters healing your energy. They were compassionate and beautiful people. The last thing I participated in was an energy clearing on my father’s side.
The belief is that researching your family’s history gives you an idea of how your life has been shaped by previous generations. Afterall, we do inherit our physical features through our genetic make-up, but in the energy system, emotional patterns, ancestors’ life experiences, memories, pain, health issues and even addictions can be imprinted and carried forward to future generations. Science now agrees that we do have our own energy field. It is also known that trauma suffered in people’s lives can sometimes be related to events in our ancestors’ lives. Yogi Bhajan stated that it goes back seven generations and if you can change your program, you will ineffectively change the future seven generations. Meaning that your children and their children etc, will not be living the programmed pattern (karma) that you have inherited.
I loved attending these classes but felt the need to move on. I was more at ease but still had not completely moved on from my PTSD.
About a month after I’d finished the energetic journey, my daughter and I were once again in Fremantle. We were in a little store that had some lovely dresses in it. Whilst in there, I began to get that familiar, disconnected, insecure and frightened feeling again. I turned to the store employee and asked If there was a toilet nearby, she was about to point out where the public toilets were when I cut in and said “I suffer from panic attacks” this lady jumped into action, asked my daughter to mind the store while she led me to the toilet that was very nearby. She asked if I will be all right if she left and I told her I would be. I came back into the store and was emotionally so thankful for this lady’s compassionate gesture I said to her “Thank you so much for helping me, I don’t think you realise how grateful I am.” She responded, “yes I do, I suffered from the same thing about 5 years ago and I haven’t had a panic attack since.” She then handed a note with a phone number on it and said, “this is what helped me.” I took the note thanked here again and left.
I called the number on the note the following day, organized an appointment, and met Chris a Cognitive Therapist. For the first time in my life, I began to find out more about how our brains work. I mean that we do know we have a brain, and it can add, subtract, think of ideas etc, but I never thought about how it truly operates, like where do my ideas come from. I had a few private sessions with Chris and then I joined the weekly group. It was a good feeling to be amongst others who were there for the same reasons. A nightly get together once a week. It was very informative, and I truly loved what I was learning. It was meant to be a 12-week stint, but I loved it so much and didn’t want to forget anything that I’d learned, I did it all over again for the next 12 weeks.
It’s interesting to note that I started on a spiritual journey with the Ancestral Energy Healing and then jumped into a scientific journey. The extra 12 weeks I must have needed as I have not had another attack since. I can still be triggered from time to time but know enough to cancel it out or simply understand what’s happening and not allow it to take over. You could look at it as some kind of tug a war with the mind as to who is in control at that very moment. Can you turn it around, or do you allow it to take over and let yourself crumble into another world of unexpected and an insecure mystery?
How does this happen? More so why does this happen?
They are both good question that can have many answers. Let’s start by asking where does my way of thinking come from? From birth we are molded by our parents and families to start with, or perhaps you spent more time with a nanny or carer because both your parents worked. We are told what is right, what is wrong, what is good and what is bad. Then we need to consider our culture and even our religious background if any. For a moment, think about how your mother and your father behave and then think about how you operate on a day-to-day basis. I have seriously delved into this for many years. Travelled many roads and taken many different paths to find the answer. Now you’re possibly thinking, “Well, did you?” It took a while for my life to make sense. It’s not an easy task to analyse yourself and to truly lay yourself bare. Your ego does tend to try and take you away from what is very possibly true.